⚠️ Graphic ⚠️

Mentions death of my husband

Reflections on the anniversary of my
husband's death 17 years ago:

I was in a threesome for five years.
Me, my husband and let's call her A*.

Of course I didn't know I was in a threesome.
It actually took me many years to figure that out.

I was mostly just very confused and turning my mind and heart inside out trying to understand what was happening. Why didn't my husband seem interested in me at all?

Initially my husband kept A* as a secret.
He'd spend time with her on his way home from work. Or late in the evening when I was busy with our baby.

But of course A* became more irresistible as the pressures of being a husband and dad increased.

A* could soothe my husband's inner demons.
Or at least silence them for a few moments.
She was his perfect companion for "switching off" his mind while switching on the TV.

They spent hours together on the couch, while I wanted to experience real life, instead of watching other people pretend life on a screen.

I tried to warn my husband about A*.
He accused me of being dramatic.
And reminded me of his friends who spent much more time with A* than he did. I reminded him that I wasn't married to his friends. And I could see the impact A* had on him.
Not just as a husband, but as a dad.

Eventually A* had so much power over him that he would put all of us in danger.

I remember so clearly sitting in Relationships Australia with my husband and the therapist telling him that if he didn't stop spending time with A*,  I would have to divorce him.

My husband laughed and said:

"Veronica doesn't believe in divorce."

Of course he was right. I didn't believe in divorce. It was NEVER going to happen to me.

But the Mother Bear in me had been activated. And she was wise enough to put safety before love.

It took a little bit longer to build up the courage. A lonely path scattered with empty bottles and empty promises.

But I eventually broke free.

Instead of reaching out for help. My husband reached for his true love. A* knew exactly what he wanted; numbness and distraction.

It took seven years,
but eventually A* ki||ed my husband.

Just as I had begged him to believe would happen.
They were found together, in his favourite recliner. The flickering TV screen the only sign of life.

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My husband's relationship with alcohol has made me an observer of Australian society...
instead of a participator.

I'm deeply uncomfortable with the role alcohol plays in Australian life.

I will occasionally say yes to an alcoholic drink, but mostly I'll decline. Which makes me an unpopular friend.

_______________

This is my message to you:

If someone who loves you has told you that they are concerned about your drinking, please LISTEN.

It might feel like they are trying to control you.
But try to move past that initial reflex to dismiss their concern. 
At the end of the day, this is a decision that only you can make.

Drinking alcohol excessively is selfish.
It's as simple as that. No matter how much you deserve to self-medicate. It will not just damage you, but those that you say you love.
Please be brave and reach out.


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