Fathers Day is weird for those of us who don't have a dad.
I took my two older kids out for lunch today so we could do something to acknowledge the day.
I booked a table for three which of course meant we got a table for four.
Which was fine. Until the waitress told us that dads get free drinks for Fathers Day.
Me and my kids all just stared awkwardly at eachother and then burst out laughing once she left.
Do we demand having his drink?
Do we lie and say my son is the dad?
Do I get the free drink if I say a dad joke?
We decided to just let it be, but for the rest of the lunch the fourth chair felt empty.
Having a father shaped hole in a family is strange to coexist with.
Initially it was deeply painful.
Then once my kids became adults it felt less so.
But then there are moments like today where the absence reappears without warning.
My daughter who has a dad, asked me if I had been thinking about my dad for Fathers Day. I was driving her to the train so she could be with her dad for the special occasion.
I appreciated her question.
And I told her I had been thinking about photos I wish I had of my dad.
His hands.
Him making pizzas on Thursday nights.
A walk we had when I was a little girl where it looked like a shooting star landed near us.
I hope there's a heaven and my dad and my kids dad are there doing all the things we tell ourselves people in heaven do.
That would be nice.
But yeah, I'm not betting on it and instead will try to do whatever I can to make sure I make the most of the time I have with my kids.
I'm very very aware of how lucky I am.
